On this day, February 18th in 2017, my Facebook status read:
Sometimes, all I want to do with my life is research. About people and eras and culture. And write about what I research. Dassit.
At the same time I wanna help people on a road toward better mental health and climb through whatever muck with useful daily tools to unlock their own potential.
A very tumultuous past few months, predicated by an absolutely miserable work circumstance has finally led me back to seeking regular counseling. Mental health challenges have been at the center of my life for many years, one way or another.
Through the journey of growing the relationship between my mom and I, it has become one of the most important parts of my life. But I can’t say that I always knew exactly what that meant or how to deal with it. Through our journey together and as individual growing women, we have discovered that mental health challenges are genetic for us; many of us, including my maternal grandmother, have our challenges with which we live and through which we navigate.
In counseling recently, I have been able to tease out some interesting things about myself. When tasked to create a list of good things about myself, I only found myself able to list things that are superficial. We went on to attempt to unpack why I get stuck in ruts, unable to commit, continue or complete even things that I am passionate about.
My Saturday continued with an impromptu meetup with one of my closest sistas, back in the tri-state for business after her recent move to Chicago. Our check-ins are always epic soul food. I was therein forced to reckon with concepts in the day’s earlier session. I have a reoccuring thought of, “you can’t do that or go to that because you’ll be wasting the time you need to complete this.” Even though I still tend not to complete the thing.
Self care has long been something that I have talked about, thought about and conceptualized but also pondered.
I realized a major reason for why I tend to get so out of sorts.
I realize that I lost sight of why I do what I do. Everything I do.
My sista reminded me quickly:
Do it for you.
If I think about the driving force behind things I have been doing, especially at work, I have to admit that I really don’t know what was at the center of it all. And I spend a lot of time lamenting selfish people. The fact is that I need to center myself. Period. Full stop.
Do it for you.
This message reluctantly centered me in a new way. Don’t worry about the benchmarks. Don’t dissect. Don’t overthink. Just do it for you. Do whatever you set out to do. To create what you desire to exist and fulfill yourself with it. Grow yourself with it.
Clean it for you. Work it for you. Conjure it for you. Get up for you. Rest for you. Paint for you. Research for you. Manifest for you.
Prove yourself to no one.
Create and present yourself to the world as if nobody is watching.
That is Unbridled Black Joy.