Originally posted on the Kinesis blog on January 5, 2016.
So… I’ve been going through a sort of quarter life crisis. Many things have come to light for me and many of those things have been forced, very harsh lessons. Some have simply evolved on their own in my own consciousness.
Since the end of my last serious romantic relationship, I have finally come to understand the type of man that I cannot be with. I’m in the process of writing about that, as well. But don’t get me wrong; this is about me and taking a really good look at my own mess. Honestly, no other mate has made me think about or see myself so much. Whether he knows it or not, he still teaches me.
I happened upon a meme several months ago that talked about the “premature girlfriend.” It warned about being the type of woman who barges into a man’s life, plugging holes for him automatically. I swore this wasn’t me.
Honestly, it’s come up in my readings, as well. For those of you who may not know, I study and practice African Traditional Spirituality. Odu for me spoke of touching things or taking responsibility for things that have nothing to do with you and paying a hefty price for it. In this odu, Obatala – who protects me – was in his persona of an old man, walking down a road when he happened upon a white peacock. Thinking the bird was lost or in distress, he takes up the bird and attempts to find safety for it. He had no idea that this was one of Shango’s prized white peacocks. Shango’s royal guards appeared and arrested him, throwing him in the dungeon for some time. Shango was none the wiser the entire time. When it came time for his “trial” so to speak, Obatala made himself known and of course Shango was understanding, apologetic, etc. However, had that appeal not been made, Obatala could have remained in prison or been executed. The lesson here is that even though you mean well, don’t get involved. Those whose issue it really is may not even know of or account for your greatness. Either way, it’s just not your battle.
I thought that I had gotten to a point of maturity and balance of my Sagittarian , “that sounds like a personal problem,” callous, distant nature that allowed me to say that I was not overstepping my boundaries. I had come to the realization that as a healer, I kept attracting mates who were wounded. I knew that as a doctor, you don’t take home your patients. But I couldn’t for the life of me understand why I kept attracting and keeping mates who seemed more like patients or why it seemed to be a Yeye/mother type of situation. I’ve been going crazy trying to figure out why I was attracting sons and not husbands. I swore the last one was different. He’s a man’s man. Was it the vibe I was giving off?
It hit me… I’ve been the mothering helping ass woman.
That’s why I keep getting sons instead of husbands. That and that’s just what’s left, I feel. All the dudes with their heads on straight are married already LOL!
All jokes aside though, these dudes don’t need my help and support. I’m nobody’s help mate. This is not the bible. Not to mention, I’m in constant awareness of working and living from an African perspective, which is much more collective rather than individualistic. However, I somehow missed that a chain is only as strong as its weakest link. Each individual has their own purpose and gifts to manifest… Which I knew, but in my autopilot of doing what I can to show others paths toward their manifestation, not only did I put mine on pause in a way, but I totally interfered in his path toward his. Gotta let dude rock out on his own and just listen. Talk. Be a friend. Rub his shoulders. Not call through my network to find him a solution. That is my gift and tendency with everyone, though: I am the networker, the solution-finder, the connector. Where I see need, I spring into action.
I need to have several seats. It’s not my job to take on the responsibility of his life… especially not so soon. I didn’t think or understand that it also undermines what should be my trust in him to be an adult and to be a man. So whenever he’d been resistant, there was a very good reason. Huge mistake on my part. How can I expect a man to lead if I don’t give him that particular kind of space to? Often times when he hit a rough issue or what to me was a challenge for him I figured, as I do with my own life, “ok. It’s just a bump. A new part of reality. It’s not a thing. Aight. We doin’ this.” Seldom did I ASK what if anything, was needed of me. Instant warrior mode.
It’s just not my battle.